wow...i got 30 new email...=D

some jokes here...

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about
the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a
glass
of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. "Now, class. Observe the
worms closely," said the teacher putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could
be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and
we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.Johnny, who
naturally
sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink
whiskey
and you won't get worms."
**********************************************************************
There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money
to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same
church, and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could
he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well
and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising
campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother
sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed
him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the
new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must
say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and
deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He
was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused
his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he
concluded with,
"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
**************************************************************************
One Christmas Eve outside a small town, a fire started inside the
local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an
alarm
went out to fire departments from miles around.
After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company
president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret
formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be
saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings
them out safely!"
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to
strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of
attacking the fire, the president of the company offered $100,000
to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came
into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely
of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced
through the Chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle
of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old
timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an
effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had
extinguished
the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company
president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and
walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After
thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the
group what they intended to do with the reward money.
The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first
thing we're going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck!"
***********************************************************************************
There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river.
Jim was a very religious man.
One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the
town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While
sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim
to get in the boat with him.
Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me."
So, the man in the boat drives off.
The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time,
another boat comes along and the person in that one tells
Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will
take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves.
The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney.
Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the
helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.
Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you sure?"
Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.
Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns.
Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God.
Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me!
What happened?"
God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter.
What else did you want?"
********************************************************************
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his
faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts
chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is
lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly
in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo-doo now." (He was an Irish
setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by,
and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his
back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly,
"Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are
any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a
look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But
the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at
being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and
see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,
and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running,
the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he
hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough
to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can
never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring
me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"
********************************************************************
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing
God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another
43 years, two months and eight days to live." Upon recovery, the
woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift,
liposuction
and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured
she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she was
released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way
home,
she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she
demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't pull me out of
the path of that ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
**********************************************************
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when
she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church
and throw up behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl
returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the
church and return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl
replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says,
'For the sick'."
***************************************************************
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed
into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the
track. Though no one was killed, the driver of the car took
the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver
ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a
minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd
done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was
dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was
over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"
***********************************************************************
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the
"accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What a
powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind
him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him.
He
ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and
saw
that the bear was closing in on him. He ran even faster, so scared
that
tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and
the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he
tried to run faster still. He tripped and fell to the ground. He
rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear... right on top
of him... reaching for him with the left paw and raising his right
paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Suddenly, time stopped. The bear froze in motion. The forest was
ever so silent. Even the river ceased to move. As a brilliant ray
of light emerged from the sky and shone upon the man, a powerful
voice spoke to him, "You have denied my existence for all of
these years; you teach others that I do not exist and you credit
creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out
of this predicament? Am I to count you now as a believer?"
The atheist blinked directly into the light. "It would be
hypocritical of me to convert to a Christian after all these
years, but could you instead make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice from above. The bright light
disappeared. All of a sudden, life resumed around the man.
The river ran again. The forest became alive once more with
the gentle sounds of nature.
The bear stirred. Slowly, he lowered his right paw, brought
both paws together, bowed his head and graciously spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am
truly thankful."
**********************************************************
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group
of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting
the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood
stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So
we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie
will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be
having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched
into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you
boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when
I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend
was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest
boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
**********************************************************************
An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft
as a Lavatory cleaner. The manager there arranges for an
aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping offices) After the
test, the manager says: You will be paid $30 per day. Let me
have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to
complete and advise you where to report for work on your
first day.
Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither
in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address. To
this the MS manager replies: Well, then, that really means
that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect
to be employed.
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and only
having about $10 he decides to buy a 10lb. box of tomatoes
at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells the
tomatoes singly at 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up
with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus
it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living
selling tomatoes.
Getting up earlier and earlier every day and going to bed later
and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short
time.
Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several
dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly
afterwards on a pick-up truck. By the end of the first year, he is
the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of
several hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to
buy some life assurance. Calling an insurance adviser, he picks
an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of
the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail
address in order that he might forward the documentation.
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is
stunned: What, you don't even have e-mail? How on earth have
you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail
and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would have been by
now, if you had been connected from the very start!
After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied: Sure!
I would have been a lavatory cleaner at Microsoft!

Morals of the story:
The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
Get e-mail, if you want to be a lavatory cleaner at Microsoft.
If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a
millionaire.
Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably
closer to becoming a lavatory cleaner than you are to becoming
a millionaire.

If you do have a computer and e-mail, you're already being taken
to the cleaners by Microsoft.
*************************************************************************

> >>> >Stress Reliever # 1
> >>> >
> >>> >Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the
> >>> >office. Why?
> >>> >Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how
> >>> >impossible, I look at your picture and the problem
> >>> >disappears.
> >>> >
> >>> >Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for
> >>> >you?
> >>> >Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,
> >>> >"What other problem can there be greater than this
> >>> >one?"
> >>> >_____________________________________________________
> >>> >
> >>> >Stress Reliever # 2
> >>> >
> >>> >Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your
> >>> >worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
> >>> >Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have
> >>> >any worries or troubles.
> >>> >Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
> >>> >___________________________________________________
> >>> >
> >>> >Stress Reliever # 3
> >>> >
> >>> >Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning,
> >>> >he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
> >>> >Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
> >>> >Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
> >>> >_____________________________________________________
> >>> >
> >>> >Stress Reliever # 4
> >>> >
> >>> >Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home
> >>> >at this time of the night?"
> >>> >Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
> >>> >Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?!"
> >>> >Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
> >>> >
> >>> >_____________________________________________________
> >>> >
> >>> >Stress Reliever # 5
> >>> >
> >>> >A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have
> >>> >married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
> >>> >"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married
> >>> >you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
> >>> >
> >>> >_____________________________________________________
> >>> >
> >>> >Stress Reliever # 6
> >>> >
> >>> >Father to son after exam: "let me see your report
> >>> >card."
> >>> >Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare
> >>> >his parents."
> >>> >
> >>> >_____________________________________________________
> >>> >
> >>> >Stress Reliever # 7
> >>> >
> >>> >"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her
> >>> >roommate.
> >>> >"Terrible!" the roommate answered.
> >>> >"He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
> >>> >Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about
> >>> >that?"
> >>> >"He was the original owner."
> >>> >
> >>> >_____________________________________________________
> >>> >
> >>> >Stress Reliever # 9
> >>> >
> >>> >
> >>> >A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word
> >>> >"beans"..
> >>> >"My father grows beans," said one student.
> >>> >"My father cooks beans," said another.
> >>> >Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
> >>> >
> >>> >_____________________________________________________
> >>> >
> >>> >Stress Reliever # 10
> >>> >
> >>> >Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your
> >>> >success as a millionaire?"
> >>> >Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
> >>> >Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were
> >>> >you before you married her?"
> >>> >Millionaire: "A Billionaire"